i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
