I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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