I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
