maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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