Michael Bay diarrhea
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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