Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ketchup is God's man juice
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
