i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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