i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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