the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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