i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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