Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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