hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
