Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize