I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
