The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
