does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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