Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
