Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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