Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
