Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
