I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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