You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
