you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
