Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
