I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
