My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
