At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
