omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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