Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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