I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
