Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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