Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
