He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
