how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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