Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
