All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
