I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
