he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
