Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
