Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
