i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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