I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
