i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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