I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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