Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
