My brain says no but my pants say off.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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