I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
