man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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