the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
