I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
