Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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