U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
