just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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