Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
