Michael Bay diarrhea
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
