i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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