how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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