Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize