Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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