i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
