The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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