..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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