i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
