He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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