Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
